Hey.

Worship tonight was amazing, God totally played through me.

God used me to pray for a kid too, it was very nice.

I'm glad God keeps using me.

()()
(~.~)
( ''' )( ''' ) [I'm tired, heh, I'll update tommarow]

Currently Playing O By Damien Rice see related

- The Blower's Daughter

Hey.

I wrote out my heart tonight in a letter, and it cleared up every confusion I had about why I feel the way I do.

I am still in love, and I don't think that's something that fades.

"Dan, you're a nieve idiot." You say, oh polite reader. I respect what you think, but know that if I wasn't, I would've given in when I had the chance.

()()
(~.~)
( ''' )( ''' ) [Some things are worth the risk]

Currently Playing In Reverie By Saves the Day see related

- Coconut

Holy crap...

Alright, here's my day, it didn't start off so bad, but it turned to crap pretty fast...

1) Woke up
2) Ate chilli fries
3) Went riding with Dave to Seal Beach.
4) Got back, got ready for worship.

(Here's where it starts going to crap)

5) Try to get the car, but dad screams at me and yells for about 10 minutes about how worthless I am.
6) Ride my bike to worship practice and contemplate the question, "Can it really be that wrong if I hate my dad? Because let's think about this logically... He's never treated me with love, and come to think of it, he's never once said, "I love you." or... "I'm proud of you." and the last time he said "Good Job" was back in 5th grade or so...
7) Got to worship, more songs with freaking capos in obscure keys that make it hell to play on a piano.
8) I mess up leading into the song and throw Eric and everyone else worshiping off... How great... Throw off the entire rhthym of worship... Humiliating.
9) I wanted to stay at church, but I couldn't because I had to ride my bike home in the cold with no jacket.
10) Get home, no dinner for me, no money, missed a call from Danielle.
11) Dad yelled some more about how worthless I am...
12) Tried getting a hold of Danielle or someone to see if anyone was free so they could pick me up and get me outta here until like, 11 or so, but everyone's cell phone is either off or the people are busy...
13) Kept trying, still no one...

And that's been my day. The rest of the night I'll probably end up sitting here waiting for someone to call or someone to stop by to get me out of here. I really don't see why I deserve this from my dad...

It's sad too, because I cannot say I love my dad, in fact, that would be a blatant lie, because in all honesty, the closest thing I feel towards my dad is hate... I've honored the things he's said to me and I've done what he's asked me, but I hate my dad. It seems that every condescending tone in his voice is only directed toward me, because I am the only thorn in his side in his mind.

For those of you who don't know me, it's pretty obvious that I was an "Oops" in the words of Danielle's mom. I have two older sisters that are about 10-12 years older than me, and then me. My mom treats me with kindness, but my dad never really has... As far as I can gather, apparently I've always just been something he's disliked, and I'm really realizing that for the first time tonight. He doesn't want me here, he never has, he's always just wished for me to be gone. For a while, there was a time when I cared about my dad and thought he was strong, and a good person, but that turned to crap the more and more I saw of him. He's a wearer of masks. He claims Christianity, but the way he lives his life, in the depths of cynicism and sarcasm and disrespect SCREAMS otherwise.

I want to leave this place, because he's here. I want to leave this place because his voice echoes through the house. I want to leave this place because the things he says about me are too disgustingly untrue. I want to leave this place because every seccond I look at his face, I realize the years I've lived with only half of a decent family. I want to leave this place because I want to find some place where I can rely on my Father in heaven's love more than his. I want to leave this place because I don't want to be exposed to such a bad example of what it is to be a father anymore. I want to leave this place because all I can feel in my heart towards him is negative, and it's throwing me off from where I was.

I want to be away from this place...

=============

I was just playing the piano, and that always helps with feeling better...

So my dad's a jerk, I guess I just hafta live with it, I've done so thus far.

Sorry if I IMed you ranting about how much of a jerk my dad is.